When i'm on smack i've got no conscience, no guilt. Now i feel guilty for everything, things i'm not sure i've even done. I want to live and feel things again without it but whats the point if all there is is drivel and nonsense.
Maybe it'll be a different story in a few months down the line but i'm not so sure...things weren't exactly sunshine before it. At least my head gets that peace I crave when i use.
Peace, I think thats whats it's about or wondering if it's attainable in this life...maybe not.
All I seem to do is say sorry, apologise for even being. Seeing this shity world through such sensitively clear eyes doesn't exactly help.
Even my words have this whining, disgusting self loathing quality that makes even me feel sick!
Maybe it'll be a different story in a few months down the line but i'm not so sure...things weren't exactly sunshine before it. At least my head gets that peace I crave when i use.
Peace, I think thats whats it's about or wondering if it's attainable in this life...maybe not.
All I seem to do is say sorry, apologise for even being. Seeing this shity world through such sensitively clear eyes doesn't exactly help.
Even my words have this whining, disgusting self loathing quality that makes even me feel sick!
12 comments:
Yeah! First one here! . . back on day one again ;-( . . I know, round and round in circles, we will get there Yas for sure. Life anit easy . . . gotta go and do a ton of work. Keep trying and keep smiling even when you slip. Happy mum, happy kids x x x
I followed you home from bugerlugs63's place. I hope you don't mind. Slow and gentle on yourself. Try not to say to yourself anything that you wouldn't say to anyone else. Easier said than done. I have yet to meet a woman (any woman) who didn't beat herself up.
And your words might have sounded whining to you - but didn't to me. It is not an easy journey you have started on...
Thanks bugs. Well day one better than day none! i'm on day three again, feeling like crap. I'm not on mmt like you though, i use poppy tea as my stabiliser when not using. I know what you mean about round and round! i will keep trying to smile though, can be hard!
btw the slugs have also eaten all my marigolds!
lorra love x
of course i don't mind. I know what you mean, it's advice i'd give to anyone else but can be hard to follow yourself!
i'm gonna go and have a peek on your blog if thats ok...thanks for the advice xx
i used never to feel guilt about using. all i felt was that other people didn't think it was a good idea ~ and yet it was the only stuff that seemed to keep me sane.
now i do feel guilty from using. basically because i want to stop... and even with methadone, it's so hard!
from Gledwood
gledwood4.blogspot.com
Hey Gledwood,
know what you mean, my guilt comes from being a mother I think and its not how you 'should be'. I'm so torn cos actually I can be pretty short tempered without it and it also really helps my depression/personality disorder and anxiety (it numbs it enough for me to live a normal day).
I do want to learn to deal with these things without it though and enjoy motherhood without it. I haven't always used. In fact it's been relatively short (2 years) and I didn't use when i was pregnant or breast-feeding (breast-fed for 2.5 years). I also only dabbled before, not addicted. It was only when my marriage broke down and I finished uni (I think it was the stress of everything that led me to it...then I suddenly realised 'wow this works better than any other meds I have ever tried'! does that make sense??
Yes you make perfect sense, as soon as I went on gear every day I noticed all the aches and pains had gone, depression was gone, I thought I was fine. Over the years though it stopped working as the mood problems I had got worse. It worked well enough to disguise depression enough that the mental health people thought I didn't have it. Problem was they only ever saw me after I'd had a hit. If I hadn't had a hit I wouldn't have made the appointment... Then I went really nuts and since then the stuff doesn't work anything like as well as it used to.
I kind of feel guilty because I know I don't want to be taking heroin any longer. I just do, out of habit, and being scared to stop. Which aren't really good ideas to go on...!
Gledwood
gledwood4.blogspot.com
(for some reason it only accepts my comment as "anonymous"!??
Poppy tea, good stuff that ! It's seen me through some hard times over the years.
Good luck X
Hi Yas, hope you're ok? not seen you on any blogs recently so was a bit worried about you . . . You are in the early years of addiction Yas, this is the easiest time to stop. I look back at the times I tried after 2 or 3 years and it was much easier than now. It becomes so entrenched after 12 years. I so hope you're ok and you're managing to be where you want. E mail if you want, take care either way of you and yours, love and thoughts x
All mothers feel guilty.A mother with a smack problem is double trouble.My children have grown up now & I'm still using & on a methadone script.Even though my kids are well rounded individuals I still wish that they'd had a clean mum.The longer you leave a habit the harder it is to give up.Then again you can't give up until you're ready & might not be able to cope with life when straight & clean.And so the carousel continues.
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